My Thoughts on Parenting for the Night

Hurry Up

"Hurry up" I always hear you say,
"Or I'll leave you behind."
I hear those words the whole day
long, and though you are so kind
Most all the time I wish just once
I'd hear you softly say,
"Just take your time to tie your
shoes or finish up your play."
The world is all so new to me,
time has not dimmed my sight.
And all around there's things to
see that fill me with delight.
Don't catch me up in your round-
rush pressures I can't stand.
Just slow down and look around,
and then you'll understand.
Please let me take the time to look,
to listen, and to climb.
I'll miss some things along the
way if I hurry all the time.
For some day you'll say, "Hurry up!"
when you're walking down the road.
You'll turn around and I'll be gone...
Cause I hurried up and growed!

~Cecelia Benson

I found this poem and it touched my heart. I especially thought of my Benjamin who might possibly be the slowest person alive. It literally takes him 20 minutes to tie one shoe (I am NOT exaggerating), and he often times makes someone late and is the cause of much frustration frequently. But then I read something like this and it puts this situation in a whole different light, doesn't it? He sings while he ties and is very concerned about how his shoe feels and looks. He will get distracted while tying a shoe and begin to play with a toy car or wrestle with the dog or chase his younger sister. I know that this time I have with my kids is fleeting. I already feel saddened at the inevitability that it will end (although grand kids will soften the blow, I hear). Yet it is so hard to stay in the moment and enjoy motherhood all of the time. I would never want to be anywhere else and some days I want to be anywhere else! 

I could write pages and pages on what I have been learning lately. I finally finished the book I was reading, Mindset. It gave me so much clarity and has really helped me SEE things in a different light. I can choose to see my flaws and the flaws of others as permanent defects of character or stepping stones to learning how to live our full potentials. This book provided me with many tools that I can specifically use with my children to help them develop a growth mindset which will enable them to overcome their mistakes and seek new challenges, always striving to grow and be better. 


I also was grateful to attend a seminar specifically devoted to parents with teen-aged children. I may have to take back part of my last post on teens...but only part! There was a lot of information about brain development and hormones that was helpful for me to throw into the back of my mind as I mesh that with my thoughts on youths. I wish I had the time to elaborate on my findings and how amazing it is to me that when you seek answers they come in many different forms and meld together to give you direction and comfort.

I have pages of notes from both my Mindset book and my Teen Seminar. If anyone is interested in reading them, I can email them to you. Like I keep saying, I have so much learn. 


May 14, 2012

Teenagers...I Don't Buy It!

I think teenagers are a myth. By my own definition, a myth is simply a story people come up with to explain something they don't understand. Most people will agree that they don't understand teenagers. They don't understand the way that teenagers think or speak or dress or behave, and have created a "story" that justifies somehow this craziness. I don't buy it! I don't think that young people need to become teenagers at all! I think they can skip most of the drama and misery, and go straight from childhood to being a youth. They'll be much better off, and so will their parents!

What is the difference between a teenager and a youth? I came across this insightful article called Youth v. Teenager by Michael Platt, Ph.D.

You can access the pdf here: http://tjedonline.com/docs/YOUTHvTEENAGER.pdf

Dr. Platt claims that the teenager saga was in fact created, and is not very old at all. The teenager did not exist before WWII, and was created mostly by neglect and parents allowing other sources, television being a big culprit, to educate their own children.

He describes the youth as "...young people who wanted to become adults. However confused, wayward, or silly they acted, however many mistakes they made, they looked to the future, wanted to make it different from their youth, and planned to...Youths associated with other youths, sometimes dressed alike, talked alike, but never separated entirely from their teachers and parents. When you saw youths with their parents, they were not pretending to be unrelated to the family. After all, they wanted one day to become like their parents, or like their grandparents, or like their teachers. Their heroes and heroines were such people."

I think we would all agree that most young people would not be described like that now. It is very much all about them, all of the time. They do not want to prepare for adulthood or work hard for what they want or need. They have found other heroes through the media and various other places that have displaced the parents' power to influence them for good. So many factors created this "Me Monster," this teenager. Divorce, television, lack of supervision, lack of interaction with extended family- especially with older people such as grandparents, lack of faith or a moral compass, too much time on their hands to get into trouble, or not enough time left alone to pray, ponder, and plan their futures all have contributed to this sad tale. The modern world is amazing, but kids these days (teenagers at least) never give themselves quiet. They constantly have cell phones, TVs, gaming systems, or music plugged in their ears. They have become "parent deaf," and tune out the world if it does not tell them what they want to hear.

BUT, I believe there is hope!! Now in the midst of raising one of my own, I tell Savanna on a daily basis to rid herself of this silly myth that she has to be teenager. To skip it all and go straight to being a youth! To use this time to prepare for her adulthood. To strive to love learning and growing, and to listen to those that have gone before her and learn from their successes and failures. I believe that many tribulations can be avoided by learning from another's experience. Many of these vital lessons and values can be found in classic works. We have also limited many distractions in our home that have a tendency to drown out thought, reason, and overall growth (the time-fillers and time-wasters of the modern world), and spend ample time together as a family unit. We give her lots of time to read, discuss, plan, and learn new skills. Of course our faith has played a big part in helping her focus more on "youthly" attributes as well. In our church the programs for young people are even called Youth Programs, Young Women, Young Men, etc. She is not perfect and still has many interactions with her peers, many who are in the teenage category, but I see her striving to do better.

Teenagers want so badly to be free to do whatever they want but even when they are given these freedoms, they are still unhappy. There is always something ELSE they need to be happy. So really there is no point in striving to be a teenager. They may appear to have more fun and privileges on the surface but they will always choose to be miserable! James and I have made it clear that if Savanna acts like a teenager, she will be treated like one. You can not trust a teenager. They do not act with reason or think of the consequences of their choices and therefore have limited choices to protect themselves and others. A youth, on the other hand, weighs his options thoughtfully and acts according to what is best, not only for him, but for the majority. He still makes mistakes, yes, but feels genuine shame and tries to do better. A youth will be given many more privileges than a teenager because he will handle them responsibly. He will also be happy with what he has been given while still looking forward to earning more freedoms in the future.

Many parents out there are raising teenagers and then reward them for their bad behavior with the tools that are creating the problems in the first place! Savanna sees her friends treating their family members badly and then getting a new iphone for Christmas...it frustrates her that her life doesn't work like that. But the bottom line is that when she enters adulthood, she won't have the teenage excuse to fall back on. If she doesn't learn to work and act appropriately NOW, she will not get the desired results in the future- that is just life!! I hope that she writes her own story...not a myth or a copy of someone else's story...but HER genuine story, one with purpose and lasting joy. And I believe that transitioning from a child to a youth is the only way to do this.

That's my soapbox for tonight.

December 22, 2011

Good Times

These past two weeks really have revolved around James' new job and his preparation for leaving. There have been many ups and downs and not many pictures...but, let me give you what I got:

My couponing is continuing to be a big success! I probably spend about 30 minutes a week and save on average about 30% at the grocery stores and drug stores. It's still very exciting! This week I saved the most I have ever saved- 63% ! The other thing that couponing has done for me is really aid in my ability to assess my needs verses my wants. I don't just buy something because I have a coupon. I carefully look through the paper, ads, or my couponmom site and see what it is that we actually need, and then try to find a way to get it cheaper. Also, stock piling is a big part of couponing. Between sales and coupons, I was able to get 6 bottles of laundry detergent for $11 this week. I won't have to buy detergent until next year, so that will chip away at my future shopping trip balances along with other deals like that I have come across! And because I am taking the time to drive to multiple stores some days or spend extra time online, I am much more careful with our money. I'm not going to save $20 at the store to turn around and spend it on something silly like I might have done in the past. I guess what I am trying to say is that couponing has helped me in my overall desire to be thrifty and prudent.

Our little Emma is busy, busy, busy. She loves to play in the kitchen- and if you leave the fridge open for a second she is right in there pulling everything out! She just began to throw full on tantrums which is not so cute. She will throw herself backwards and kick her little legs if you put her down when she does not want you to, or take something away from her. You think she would learn after the few times she smacked her head on the tile, but her temper gets the best of her! Despite her anger management issues, most of the time she is an absolute love. She is going to walk any day. She can stand alone for long periods of time and has attempted a step, but then quickly kneels down as if she isn't quite sure yet. I am hoping she takes her first step before James leaves...he would be terribly sad to miss out on that!

Emma and Dad during Elder's Quorum on Sunday- she'd fit right in if he was a High Priest!

Emma and her buddy, Nora.

Both her and Bradley's two front teeth are fully showing now! They look so cute together!! Bradley is still very much enjoying his soccer games. He scored 3 goals last week! It's not even the goals that are exciting, it is the fact that this kid seriously does not give up. If something is difficult he keeps at it until he wins. I love that about him!

We have yet another new addition to our back yard! I found this little swing set at Toys R Us. It is on the small side, but is perfect for our yard. Between the swing set and the trampoline, I think my boys will be very happy back here . Some days I barely see them at all they are too busy playing and jumping around in the yard. It does my heart good to finally have a safe place for them to play. It may not be the acre or two I wanted, but it fun and it is all theirs. Bradley told me today that we have the coolest yard ever. :)

Savanna is doing great. She is still working on finishing sewing her first dress. She apparently picked a fabric that is very difficult to work with, especially for a newbie. Her sewing mentors have helped her quite a bit but she still has a little work to go before she can show it off! Her book group discussed the fantasy novel "Fablehaven" last week. Savanna really enjoyed this book. It is written by an LDS author and therefore has many great morals and lessons woven into the storyline. One of the protagonists is about Savanna's age and has an obnoxious little brother, so I think she could relate very well to her. ;) Savanna is still enjoying seminary, despite the early hour. She has been working hard to save up money for EFY (Especially for Youth), a week-long camp held at UCSB next summer. It's $480 and tuition is due January 12th so she has been gardening, cleaning, and babysitting to save up. If anyone has any work for her to do, please let us know!

That's about it on the home front this month. I am just beginning Nicholeen Peck's book on teaching children self-government and am also going to start reading Animal Farm by Orwell for our next Adult Colloquium. I will have many evenings free to read in the near future. I will share what I learn as I go. Until then...Hope you all are having a great week!!

Dance moves and fridge demolition.

Did I post this one already? Couldn't remember!

September 14 - 28, 2011

Children...Where's the Manual?

It's interesting that you can do something for a long time and still feel like a complete novice. James and I have been parents for awhile now. Our oldest will be 14 this coming October, and we have begun to realize lately that we still have no idea what we are doing here! There has been a lot of introspection going on in our home as we have been seeking to objectively look at our character defects (and the defects of our children), and find ways to do better.

Another realization: In the past when I didn't know how to do something (such as gardening or canning or sewing), I have searched out books, watched videos, and talked to people who are good at these skills until I felt confident in trying them out myself. I have practiced (often failing the first time), and refined my skill until my results were better and better each time. In our new business endeavor we have been doing that as well. We have been spending time learning about the company, copying successful mentors, asking lots of questions, and being thoughtful and prayerful about our strategies. Why would all of these tactics not apply to our parenting as well? If I am struggling as a parent, shouldn't I figure out the problem and what I need to do, and then keep trying until improvement is made?

This thought gave me a chance to sit down and write out my priorities on paper. In doing so, I figured out that I do not waste a lot of time. We are actively involved in many GOOD things! However as I wrote my list of priorities and took a good, hard look at them, I very quickly saw that I was spending a lot more time on priorities 7 and 8, than priorities I had listed as 1 and 2! So I am doing some adjusting here with my time management to make sure that I am spending the time I do have in the right areas and in the right increments.

One of our prophets, David O. McKay, once said, "No other success can compensate for failure in the home," and I have to agree. When I lay down at night I may have a fat bank account, a stocked pantry, and a beautifully decorated home, but if my relationships with my spouse and children are not healthy and happy, am I truly successful?

Don't get me wrong, our home life is going okay. There hasn't been anything major that has provoked these thoughts. Sometimes improving in one area of your life sparks a renewed interest to do better in other areas. We have recently taken back the ownership of our health, fitness, and finances, and I think that has encouraged us and given us more energy to now see other areas that need to improve as well. We haven't been beating ourselves up for our previous parenting mistakes, but we are aware that many are still continuing and we want to do better... we want to do our best.

The biggest realization that has occurred to me lately is that time is fleeting. I only have these children in my home for a short time. Then I have to let them go, and hope that I have in some way prepared them to take on the world and face it with integrity, courage, and confidence. That is a HUGE responsibility! And, what does this really look like and HOW do I do this?? I found myself going to my resources this past week- I watched videos, read articles and websites, found myself in the library and checked out a dozen books on parenting, talked with other parents and James at length, prayed, prayed, and then prayed some more. In a very short time, I think I have the answer!

In our recent colloquium, we discussed Stephen Covey's "7 Habits of Highly Effective People." He talks about how we all start out being dependent (some of us never leave this phase and that is why we have a whole bunch of grown babies running around pointing fingers and wanting others to solve their problems). Most of us grow out of this dependence phase though and mature to the phase of independence. Here we learn to do things for ourselves and build confidence in our abilities. We are much better off than we were when we were dependent, but Covey says that there is an even better choice than being independent, and that is mastering the phase of being interdependent. An interdependent person acknowledges their own strengths and talents, but recognizes that if they put their efforts with another's efforts the result is always bigger and better. They understand that they can capitalize on others' unique talents that would compliment their own and that together they can be more successful than they could have ever been on their own. Isn't that really the purpose of our lives? We were put here in family units to learn to love one another, serve one another, and work well with each other. The eternal goal is be with your FAMILY forever, not to be hanging out alone in Heaven because you could do it all yourself...who would want that??

That was my answer. I want to raise my children to be interdependent. Now that I had my goal, I had to read through all the information I had found (I have barely scratched the surface, but have gleaned a lot so far) and find out HOW to accomplish this goal. Most of the advice I have been reading explains that discipline is the key to raising a healthy, obedient, happy, interdependent child. I began reflecting on our disciplinary tactics. We have used a lot of quick fixes to get quick results. Time outs, grounding, threats, and rewards (which are really just bribes) to get them to stop a negative behavior or to start a positive behavior. But this does not teach them to be either independent or interdependent. This is not the kind of discipline these books and sites are talking about. Discipline is not about exercising control over our children, and getting them to do what WE want. Discipline is about helping our children learn to control themselves, and do what is RIGHT.

Just like our government has grown way too involved and as a result is stifling freedoms, as parents I think we impose too many of our beliefs, opinions, and desires on our children and stifle their free agency. The bottom line is that we need to teach our children self-government, to govern themselves. They will eventually govern themselves, whether we like it or not, so now is the time to teach them the proper, righteous way to govern themselves so that they can make choices that will bless their lives and the lives of all those around them.

Self-government- basically teaching our children to control and understand their thoughts, behaviors, words, and actions, and accept the consequences that occur from all of these with dignity, confidence, and a desire to always improve. It gets rid of the nagging, reminding, punishing, and elaborate reward systems to get children to do what they are supposed to do! They learn that they can choose their actions, but they can not choose their consequences, and that making mistakes may not be a goal, but it is OK. Most lessons are learned by messing up first. As parents, letting our children choose for themselves and then experience the consequences of their choices (good or bad) is a big part of them learning self-government. Obviously we have to safe-guard them from experiences that are not age-appropriate, dangerous, unhealthy, etc. but there is some great information about the benefits and the love and respect that grow in families that focus on this principle alone!

Our favorite find: Nicholeen Peck's book, Parenting A House United: Changing Children's Hearts and Behaviors by Teaching Self-Government

http://teachingselfgovernment.com

I HIGHLY recommend this site. There are videos, articles, on-line parenting courses- all surrounding this idea of teaching your children self-government. We are very excited to get some help in this area, and to give our children the encouragement, support, and love they need to grow into competent, happy, interdependent adults. As with everything else, we must learn to self-govern OURSELVES first before we can hope to teach it to our children or anyone else (YOU, NOT THEM strikes again!). We are ready...I think :).

Here are some other books that I have learned about, and am working my way through:

How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, and Listen so Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber

Kids Are Worth It by Barbara Coloroso

The Family Guide to Virtues by Popov

How to Hug a Porcupine by Dr. Lund

The Anatomy of Peace by The Arbinger Institue

Have a New Kid by Friday by Kevin Leman

Connected Parenting: Transform Your Challenging Child and Build Loving Bonds for Life

Sorry for the long post- it helps me to write out my thoughts- hope some of it was helpful!!

August 14, 2011